No joke. There is a big, black, nasty cricket in my house. I was on the phone, on my way to head up the stairs, and there it was. In the middle of the floor. Big. Black. Nasty. Cricket.
Frantically I ran up stairs to grab the Husbin'. Seemed like the most logical thing to do in the moment.
"Baby, Baby, wake up!" I exclaimed in a concerned whisper.
He freaked out! Not exactly the reaction I was hoping for.
"What, what, what is it!?" He awoke in a panic.
"Baby, I am not even kidding, there is a cricket in this house!"
"Are you kidding me? You woke me up for this? Go get it!" He wasn't happy. Sometimes he doesn't wake up well. Oh and his sleep-self hates me. That is another story.
"BUT BABY, it's a cricket, can you please, PLEASE come get it?"
"Oh, hell." I knew I was in trouble.
He got up and we both walked downstairs. I showed him where the cricket was. Except, it wasn't there. Of course it wasn't there. Why would it be there? Why would it stay in one place?
"Next time get one of these," he said whilst holding up a bowl, "and use it to get the cricket. Don't wake me up again unless someone is dying."
Great. Now I am in trouble AND there is still a cricket in my house. Probably in my bed. Uck! It gives me the heebie jeebies!
Last time there was a cricket in our house we could hear it chirping. So help me, we thought it was underneath our carpet. I am not even kidding, that is where the sound was coming from. The Husbin even pulled up the carpet. No cricket. TWO days later, we were sitting at the dining room table when my oldest says to me cool as a clam, "Hey mom, look! It's the cricket." Sure enough, that dumb cricket was sitting on top of my dining room table, Mangled. Missing a leg. How did it even jump that high while sustaining such injuries? We got a cup and TRAPPED IT! Booh-yah! I was feeling-big time that day. We let it go gently outside, and that was that.
What if THIS one isn't a cricket? I never heard any chirping. What if it is a big massive spider? That is so much worse. I am NOT going to be able to sleep tonight because all I am going to be thinking about is this mystery miniature black creature.
If you read my obituary in the paper and the cause of death is unknown, know that it was the poisonous spider trespassing around in a cricket disguise that did me in. In my bed. While I was sleeping.
You are not even going to believe this.
SO. As I was sitting on my computer typing the last sentence of this post, petrified of moving in fear I might stir the big, black, nasty thing, my desire to sample the new Dark Chocolate Almond Milk in my fridge became more than I could bear. I tip toed toward the fridge. I looked left. I looked right. No sign of him. I tip toed past the island, and OH! There he was! Nestled on the quarter round moulding on my island.
What to do, what to do? I grabbed the bowl the Husbin left out for me. Deep breath. You can do this. Being on the moulding, I didn't have a clear shot of the thing. I banged on the island to see if he would move. He didn't flinch. Bastard.
I bent down slowly. I just knew at any minute he was going to jump up on my face and eat my eyeballs. Closer and closer I came with the tupperware. I wanted to look away. I started sweating. (Not kidding.) Closer. Closer. Closer. BAM! I got him. I trapped him! Woo-hoo! I did a happy dance.
This cricket had ONE LEG. I cannot even make this stuff up. ONE LEG. Okay, well it had two legs, but one of the legs was chopped in half. And its one antennae was mangled. So help me, I think this is the same cricket that tormented us last year. Same injuries. Is that even possible?? It is either the EXACT same cricket, or there are one-and-a-half-legged mutant crickets running around my neighborhood.
Cue Twilight Zone theme.